


and the stars will shine in the meantime

by chaWOOPa



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Heavy Angst, Okay Ending, Past Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Trans Taako (The Adventure Zone), minor/implied taakitz, no one dies, trans barry bluejeans, trans lup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-28 00:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13892268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaWOOPa/pseuds/chaWOOPa
Summary: Taako blinks owlishly at him for a moment until he stirs and looks at him groggily. There is a moment of calm and silence as Barry processes that Taako is finally is awake before there are tears in his eyes and Barry is lunging across the small space between bed and chair to grip Taako’s shoulders hard and pull him into a hug.





	and the stars will shine in the meantime

Taako shivers in the cold and pulls his light jacket closer around him as he makes his way through the park just off of campus. The streetlights light up the leaf strewn paths as Taako kicks at the ground and buries his head in the fluffy scarf he had chosen to hide himself with on this outing.

 

His phone rings from somewhere in one of his pockets and he scowls as he digs around with his empty hand to find it and silence it. He pulls it out of the leather jacket he had hawked off of Lup just as it finishes ringing and Lup’s contact picture disappears from the screen. He sighs and hesitates for just a moment before shaking his head and unlocking it to turn it on airplane mode and going for his music app.

 

If he was gonna die he might as well do it to a good soundtrack, right?

 

Taako chuckles darkly at the thought as his playlist comes up and he hits shuffle before jamming his earbuds in and turning the volume so high that he wouldn’t hear anything if it screamed directly in his ears. Marina and the Diamonds comes on and his pace speeds to match the beat as he walks aimlessly down a concrete trail until he is so lost he is sure it would take too long to find him even if they could figure out what park he was at.

 

Taako only realizes he is crying when the songs peter off into something slow enough that he finds himself stopping to listen to the lyrics. “ _If you must die sweetheart,_ ” the song pleads, and Taako wants to rip his earbuds out because he knows this song.

 

It is the song he left on a note for Lup when he left the house that afternoon. It is the song he set to play when Kravitz got back from his audition. It is the song that Magnus and Julia sang when Steven died and left them to navigate college alone.

 

“ _Die knowing your life was my life’s best part,_ ” Taako’s hands shake as he stands, frozen, on the path under a streetlight he doesn’t recognize and he pictures Barry’s face when Lup calls him to tell him that Taako is missing. He sees Magnus calling Merle calling Lucretia calling Kravitz and he knows that he will hurt them all when they can’t find him.

 

He can’t find it in himself to let that stop him.

 

Taako takes a deep breath as the song continues and he moves off of the path to the roots of a nearby tree that seem better to sit on than cold ground alone. He sits and lets himself soak up the music for just a little longer before pulling the knife he had brought with him out of the pocket on his jacket.

 

He lets it sit in his hands for a few moments as he watches the moonlight reflect off the polished surface. It is one of the smaller kitchen knives he has had since he was little, and he felt it was only proper that it accompany him out of life the same way it had accompanied him through so much of it.

 

This was only one piece of the set that he had stolen from his parents’ kitchen to protect him and Lup when they were too small to know what they were supposed to be for. It was part of the set his aunt had taken with them when she took them from the home full of blood and bad memories and promised they would never have to go back to. It had come with him when they had bounced around from relative to relative after she had fallen ill, had survived every move from the moment they became _those things_ to the moment they turned old enough to be on their own.

 

This set of knives had followed Taako into the worst years of his life as he leaned full body on the man who raped him and beat him and then pretended to love him.

 

Taako looked down at the sparkling blade and felt himself calm. Dissociation wasn’t something he was a stranger to, but this was something entirely different.

 

He set the knife on the root next to him and took the leather jacket off of his thin frame, setting it to the side so it wouldn’t get dirty when he finally did the deed. He took a deep breath and activated his phone, unlocking it and turning it off of airplane so that maybe, maybe they would find his body at some point.

 

Taako let himself grin at that thought, maybe it would be a comfort to them, to find his body, at least.

 

He set his phone down on the jacket and, with steady hands, used his knife to count his wrists.

 

One.

 

Two.

 

Taako brought his knees up to his chest and as he set the utensil down just a few inches from Lup’s jacket. The cold wasn’t quite an issue anymore, as he let his head fall back against the tree and he left himself drift to the music pounding in his earbuds.

 

“ _Broken stones, broken lightening_

_This house of doubts is what we know_

_Chasing down the silver linings_

_Of wounded minds and wounded souls._ ”

 

Taako smiles, a genuine, open smile as he lets his head rest against the bark of the tree and his limbs and eyelids grow heavy. The stars spin through the empty branches of the tree that spread out above him and a laugh bubbles up from his lungs and out his mouth. The constellations wink at him between one blink and the next and he wonders, _hopes_ , that the next time he closes them will be the last.

“ _We are coming home, We are coming home_

_We are coming home, We are coming home_

_We are coming home, We are coming home._ ”

 

Taako is carried out by the whisper of the word _home_ and his sister’s worried face.

 

* * *

 

When Taako wakes up next, things come to him in flashes of paper thin awareness that tear like tissues when he tries to sort out the soggy details: the back of an ambulance with strangers flashing lights in his eyes and the only flash of color the bright, blood red of Lup’s hair; a cold bed in a colder room with an artificially warm blanket draped over his limbs ( _were those his limbs? They were too heavy, too thin, too pale, they were too alien to be his_ ); the familiar weight of his sister’s body pressed up against his side as they sleep and someone’s hand in his as muted sounds and colors and the sharp smell of hospital overwhelms his pounding head and he drifts off to sleep again.

 

Taako isn’t sure how long he spends under.

 

He decides it doesn't really matter when he finally wakes up to a dark hospital room and a single sleeping body in a chair next to his. He supposes it makes sense that something as stupid as a suicide attempt would leave him with so few people-he stops that though just as soon as it starts and wills his tired, heavy arm to reach up and wipe the start of tears from his eyes. He takes a deep breath and let's his eyes adjust to the relative darkness of the room. It doesn't take long to make out who has stayed and it surprises him when it isn't Lup in the chair but Barry.

 

Taako blinks owlishly at him for a moment until he stirs and looks at him groggily. There is a moment of calm and silence as Barry processes that Taako is finally is awake before there are tears in his eyes and Barry is lunging across the small space between bed and chair to grip Taako’s shoulders hard and pull him into a hug.

 

There aren’t words, not yet, but Taako can feel Barry’s tears soaking into the thin hospital gown draped across his shoulder, and Taako can feel his own tears welling over his eyes, and he can feel Barry shaking as he holds onto Taako like he thought he would never get to do it again, and Taako lets himself hug Barry back.

 

“I’m sorry,” Taako finally feels the words force themselves out of his head and into the cool air where they fall like stones and shatter the peace of the dark, quiet night.

 

Barry doesn’t move from his spot where he clutches at Taako and just feels his breathing, listens to his heartbeat, as he says, “It’s okay,” and for the first time in a long time, Taako believes him.

 

He knows, as they hug, that it won’t be long before Lup or Magnus or anyone else comes in and he has to face everyone else, but in that moment, he and Barry, he and his _Brother_ are united in the understanding that things aren’t good, and they won’t be fixed for a long time, but they will be eventually.

 

“It’s okay,” Barry repeats, quieter, and Taako’s fists clench in his shirt as they hug.

 

There is no telling who the second assurance was for, but Taako takes this one to heart anyway.

 

 _It will be okay_ , Taako tells himself as he buries his head in Barry’s shoulder. _We will be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> hello im sad and also projecting onto taako and i want you all to know that no matter what happens ***things will be okay*** and everything will turn out fine. 
> 
> It may not be immediate, but it *will*.


End file.
